Random Thoughts

I'm 30 days away from hitting that stage and showing the judges what I have to offer. This is starting to make me extremely nervous. I'm hoping that I'll be where I need to be to succeed and at least get first call outs for my first show. I feel that I'm as prepared as I can ever be. I follow everything my coach says to a T. I have not missed any meals, I continue to lift as heavy as I can and push my cardio to the max. The diet hasn't worn me out but next week is when I start to cut my salt intake which should be interesting. Since I've never done this before I don't really know what to expect so I'm going to just trust the process. This journey has a lot to do with patience and trust. If I can't be patient with my body that'll just frustrate me and that'll just be worse for my attitude. Staying positive is the only way that I can keep myself sane. This doesn't mean that I'm being fake by any means but I'm seeing the best out of every situation I'm put into. No one is making me do this, I decided that I wanted to do this. I cannot afford to lose my patience and trust. I've come so far from what I used to be that I have no choice but to keep pushing and pushing towards my dreams. I'm so driven to have this moment in my life. This mental game is so intense but so fulfilling at the same time. I've also been having a lot of thoughts about my parents seeing my transformation. They haven't seen me since July of this year and I was weighing 145 then. I actually weighed myself yesterday and I weighed in at 128. I still have 4 weeks to go so we'll see where I lose more weight. Obviously my stomach is my main concern but I know with the salt and carb depletion, the abs will show. 
I think about my mom a lot. She's my main role model in life and I live to make her happy and proud. If I disappoint her, I'll be devastated. That's my biggest fear in life; not only failing but being a disappointment. I hate that word; disappointment. There's nothing that I don't want to hear more than "you disappointed me" from anyone, let alone a woman I love so dearly and look up to beyond words. I had this all planned out for when they arrived in Arizona for the show. I was going to meet them at their hotel and speak with them before I show them my body. However, they are flying in AFTER I have my scheduled tanning appointment. So, now they will be arriving and see me in the airport all dark and tan. This isn't an issue, and I'm not going to make it one either because I cannot be stressed. I've decided I'm going to come to the airport completely covered up and meet them inside the airport instead of picking them up out front. From there, I can't have anyone touch me so I'll have to explain that before I read them my speech. I've decided that I'm going to write out a speech of what I want to say and bring it so I don't forget anything that I want to say about this journey. I'll post that when I have it done. I've been going through some ideas in my head about what to say but as I get closer to seeing them, I'll have a better idea of how to put it. So the plan is, meet them in the airport, read my speech, show my body and pray for the best. I know I'm going to be crying, I just know it. This is such an emotional experience for me. If they aren't proud, I don't know what I'm going to do. I really will be devastated if they aren't proud. I know it has to be stupid of me to think that they won't be proud, of course they will be. But, the thought that they might not be proud still floats around in my mind.