Journey To First Figure Show: progress

Showing posts with label progress. Show all posts

Sunday, December 15, 2013

A look in the mirror

I’ve been contemplating on whether or not I should even write about how I’m feeling inside, yet alone post anything for anyone to see. I have been hiding from my laptop in fear of what I will end up writing because I feel like my mind is warped. However, the way that I deal with my emotions is probably not the best way and I’m actually hurting myself by keeping everything bottled up inside. But, this is how I’ve always dealt with my stress and other issues. I’m truly frightened and nervous for this post but I’ve already started going at it so here goes nothing…

I don’t even know where to begin. It has been about a month since my show and it has been the hardest couple of weeks on my mind. Emotionally I’m a mess inside. My thoughts are not healthy and they are exhausting to keep up with. I look back on pictures from my show and then I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. It’s crazy how this weight loss journey has changed me so much. I used to look forward to every day waking up and looking at myself to see my progress. Now when I wake up I dread looking into the mirror in fear that I’ll be standing there 180 pounds of unhappiness. Crazy right? I know I sound crazy but whatever. I keep trying to play my past in my head and put it into perspective so that I can better understand why I’m feeling the way that I am, and maybe whomever is reading this can understand a little bit better of why I feel the way that I do. So I’ve been thinking about it. From as far back as I can remember I’ve always hated my body; I have always been noted as the “bigger” girl; not necessarily the fat girl but just the girl that is generally bigger than everyone else. So let’s say that these feelings have been happening since I was 12 and I am now 22. That’s ten years of negative thoughts about my body resonating in my mind. That can’t be good and it cannot be that easy to get out of that mind-set that I still remain that big girl. Sure you can blame society for telling us young girls growing up what your body is supposed to look like, but I blame myself. I wish that I could be the type of person that isn’t hard on themselves. I wish I could look at myself and accept myself for my flaws. But, we grow up in a world where our imperfections determine what type of person we are, which is fucked up because obviously it shouldn’t be that way and there are many people in my life that do not feel that way. I’m mad at myself for even thinking half the shit that I do about myself. It’s really fucked up. But I can’t get these negative thoughts and emotions out of my mind. They circle around and they never stop. The other week I smiled at myself in my mirror and started crying and didn’t stop for forty five minutes. What the actual fuck. Who does that? I literally saw that 180 pound girl who was so fucking unhappy with herself. I wonder if I see something different that everyone else can see. I’m sure they do. I’m sure many people look at me and if I told them how I felt I looked they would want to slap me across the face. Maybe I need to be slapped. As I’m sitting here writing this I almost want to stop. This is silly, and I feel stupid for my thoughts. I don’t know why I beat myself up so got damn much. But, it’s exhausting. I’m fucking exhausted. My mind is fucking exhausted. I can’t do this to myself anymore. This is sick, it is unhealthy for me to feel the way that I do, and to think the way that I do. I don’t know when it’s going to stop. What is really fucked up is sometimes I’ll look at myself then I’ll feel like I’m fine. I’ll remind myself that I look and feel fine. Maybe I do this to try to convince myself that I shouldn’t be feeling like that 180 pound girl. I’m entirely too hard on myself and I know this. I’m fully aware that I am too hard on myself and do not give myself enough credit. What I did to get to where I am today took everything out of me. I should be ecstatic that I accomplished what I set out to do. I’m so back and forth with my thoughts it’s ridiculous. I wish I could just decide and feel more in control with my mind and body. Am I happy with the mirror or am I not? I can’t figure it out. Some days are better than others and maybe that’s what I have to deal with for now until I figure out my shit. There is no reason for me to hate my life; I have everything I could ever want and more. I’m in a relationship with a man who loves me for ME, not for my fucking body. I feel like I’m getting somewhere with this writing. I’m always one to figure it out for myself and I plan on doing just that with this warped mind that I have developed for myself. Maybe I keep everything inside and don’t share much because I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I don’t like the thought of that. I’m in control of my mind and thoughts so don’t feel sorry for me if I’m feeling negative, when I shouldn’t be. I probably don’t share much of how I’m feeling because I’m embarrassed of how I feel about myself. Maybe ten years of walking around with a fucked up self-image is going to take longer to get out of my system than expected. I feel like I’m back at square one. Sometimes I’ll look at my oldest pictures and feel like that’s how I look. Well shit, I must not look like that because I don’t even weigh 180 pounds anymore. I want to wrap this up and conclude this because I’m done, I don’t want to feel negative anymore and now I feel bad for even putting these thoughts down and out of my mind. I’m uncomfortable in my own skin, and I hate that I do this to myself. Maybe I can’t figure out my mind on my own, maybe I should share my thoughts more about how I feel. I swear I feel like I’m fighting demons inside my head that repetitively tell me how fucking fat I am and that I’m worthless. This is fucking stupid and I hate myself for letting these thoughts get to my head.

Thought to self: THIS IS STUPID CUZ IT’S JUST YOUR FUCKING BODY KATE, YOUR BODY DOES NOT DEFINE WHO YOU ARE ON THE INSIDE, GET THAT THROUGH YOUR CRAZY LITTLE PSYCHOTIC MIND AND STOP WITH THE NEGATIVITY BULLSHIT.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Post Show Thoughts

This is my first show and the first time I have ever put so much effort into something that I truly love and am passionate about. I keep thinking about what is going to happen after the show and how my body is going to respond to more carbs. I figure I'm going to go back to clean eating throughout the week and enjoy a cheat meal once a week. I was doing that for a while before contest prep and it really was good, it wasn't difficult at all. I have to keep reminding myself that I will be okay and everything will be fine. I'm a fit person and this is my lifestyle so it's not like I'm going to start binge eating and not working out. That just wouldn't feel right to me at all. Don't get me wrong after the show I'm going to enjoy myself for a couple days while still being in the gym. Then it's back to the grind. I leaned out so much and I want to put on more muscle. This means that I'll be back to heavy lifting more frequently which is a plus because I LOVE lifting heavy, and I'll be taking in more good carbs like rice and oats. I'm so excited to make some more progress and changes for after the show and see what else my body is capable of doing. This is why I feel like I love doing this so much. You can always change it up. The body is going to react a certain way and it's just so unique how you can change.
Of course then my brain wants to play tricks on me and I start having negative thoughts for after the show like what if I get back to 185 pounds? First off, I don't see how that can be possible with the lifestyle I love to live. So boom, that's out of my head now. Secondly, I've worked so hard this past year and a half that I can't let myself think that I'll lose it. I can't lose it and I refuse. I plan on growing after the show and possibly start training for physique. I love this lifestyle and I'm happy to be in it. This is what truly makes me happy and I'm really looking forward to the "gains" after the show. I know that my boyfriend will also be a huge support and help me with lifting heavier weight and pushing my body again past it's limits. Again, you never know how truly far you can come and go if you don't try. I feel so much better getting these thoughts about after the show out of my mind. Now I can go study peacefully without these thoughts hah.

Transformation Thoughts & Picture

Okay So this week has been a little weird. I've lost my spirit in this. But, no worries I've got it back. A lot of the time it helps to look back at just how far you have come. It helps me get my attitude back into the game to see how much progress I have made, and it also helps to hear feedback from other people. This picture was from 2011. I was standing probably about 185-190 pounds, I actually weigh 126 pounds now. This is crazy to think that I really have lost that much weight over the past two years. Nothing beats hard work ever, and that's guaranteed. I'm so excited to keep going in this path. I really feel like this is my destiny. There's nothing that excites my brain more than the thought of progressing and transforming my body and mind. It truly is such a unique and gratifying feeling that it is almost hard to put into words. I hope that I can inspire people to want to become a better version of themselves, in any kind of way. I want to help people believe that they can achieve what the mind believes. I've noticed how many people struggle with this challenge and if I could be someone to help them get there and keep them motivated and inspired, that would truly give me ultimate happiness. I have changed over these past months but I'm loving the person I'm becoming more and more each day. This isn't about achieving the "perfect" body, it never has been. This is about progress and proving to myself that if I set my mind to a goal, that I can achieve it. The mind is so powerful. I read inspirational quotes all the time and one that really gets to me is, "The body achieves what the mind believes". This is SO TRUE. If you want to change something about your life then you have to have the strength to believe that you can. Change is scary. I think about this all the time. I'm starting to realize how much I have really changed over the past year. Different experiences can change a person dramatically and I feel that everything happens for a reason. I met my boyfriend with perfect timing before this contest prep, for a reason. I truly believe he was sent to be in my life to put me in the direction I need to be in, and to be able to truly love and know what I'm capable of but also have an extreme passion for. I would have never known that I was capable of doing this without his encouragement, knowledge, and support. I couldn't be more thankful that he has been brought into my life. I'm accepting this change of direction in my life as a very positive thing. That's what you have to do. Always remain positive and know to follow your heart. I'm definitely going to continue to fight for this dream and do what I can to make it to the top. I feel like I have a really good chance to make a difference in this world, and mark my words, I'm going to. Anyway, I'm going to blog about my thoughts for AFTER the show in a little bit because honestly, it is quite scary and I have some concerns. But, like I keep reminding myself, it's all about making progress and doing something that you thought you would never be capable of doing. You never know how truly strong you can become if you don't get up and try to make a difference or a change in your life. I plan on never looking back and only going forward in this progression and transformation to take my body and mind to levels I never thought could be possible. I'm THAT motivated and determined to make a difference and I'm hoping I can help inspire and have other people realize that they CAN change, it's just a matter of how BAD you want it.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Random Thoughts

I'm 30 days away from hitting that stage and showing the judges what I have to offer. This is starting to make me extremely nervous. I'm hoping that I'll be where I need to be to succeed and at least get first call outs for my first show. I feel that I'm as prepared as I can ever be. I follow everything my coach says to a T. I have not missed any meals, I continue to lift as heavy as I can and push my cardio to the max. The diet hasn't worn me out but next week is when I start to cut my salt intake which should be interesting. Since I've never done this before I don't really know what to expect so I'm going to just trust the process. This journey has a lot to do with patience and trust. If I can't be patient with my body that'll just frustrate me and that'll just be worse for my attitude. Staying positive is the only way that I can keep myself sane. This doesn't mean that I'm being fake by any means but I'm seeing the best out of every situation I'm put into. No one is making me do this, I decided that I wanted to do this. I cannot afford to lose my patience and trust. I've come so far from what I used to be that I have no choice but to keep pushing and pushing towards my dreams. I'm so driven to have this moment in my life. This mental game is so intense but so fulfilling at the same time. I've also been having a lot of thoughts about my parents seeing my transformation. They haven't seen me since July of this year and I was weighing 145 then. I actually weighed myself yesterday and I weighed in at 128. I still have 4 weeks to go so we'll see where I lose more weight. Obviously my stomach is my main concern but I know with the salt and carb depletion, the abs will show.
I think about my mom a lot. She's my main role model in life and I live to make her happy and proud. If I disappoint her, I'll be devastated. That's my biggest fear in life; not only failing but being a disappointment. I hate that word; disappointment. There's nothing that I don't want to hear more than "you disappointed me" from anyone, let alone a woman I love so dearly and look up to beyond words. I had this all planned out for when they arrived in Arizona for the show. I was going to meet them at their hotel and speak with them before I show them my body. However, they are flying in AFTER I have my scheduled tanning appointment. So, now they will be arriving and see me in the airport all dark and tan. This isn't an issue, and I'm not going to make it one either because I cannot be stressed. I've decided I'm going to come to the airport completely covered up and meet them inside the airport instead of picking them up out front. From there, I can't have anyone touch me so I'll have to explain that before I read them my speech. I've decided that I'm going to write out a speech of what I want to say and bring it so I don't forget anything that I want to say about this journey. I'll post that when I have it done. I've been going through some ideas in my head about what to say but as I get closer to seeing them, I'll have a better idea of how to put it. So the plan is, meet them in the airport, read my speech, show my body and pray for the best. I know I'm going to be crying, I just know it. This is such an emotional experience for me. If they aren't proud, I don't know what I'm going to do. I really will be devastated if they aren't proud. I know it has to be stupid of me to think that they won't be proud, of course they will be. But, the thought that they might not be proud still floats around in my mind.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Friday Morning Nightmare

I've been going hard with my fitness and dieting for the last 7 weeks. I've had no days off. I've stuck to my diet 100% and I think that my body went into overdrive and finally decided it was done for. Thursday was a relatively good day. I was feeling good and my attitude and body were working together, it was a good day. But for some reason I felt a cold or sickness coming on. Well, sure as shit I woke up Friday morning in absolute pain. It was the worst feeling ever. Not only did I have cold like symptoms but my whole body was aching. I literally could not move without it hurting. I had training scheduled for 10 AM but texted my coach letting her know what was going on and she gave me the OK for a day of rest. I was thinking to myself "rest? what the hell is rest?" but I listened and took the day off from everything. All I did Friday was sleep and eat at my scheduled times. Shit my body needed that. I feel like it just reached its threshold and was like "enough! I'm done, give me a break". Well I did just that. My boyfriend bought me all the vitamins I needed throughout the day and I pounded down 3 gallons of water because I was NOT going to let this cold get any worse than it already was. I was in so much pain this Friday I'm so HAPPY that it is over. So today I woke up, not feeling 100% better but probably about 75% better. My sinuses are still clogged and I have a little bit of a cough but my body wasn't aching any longer and I knew I had to kick it into high gear and murder my training and cardio. I did just that. Today I lifted back and biceps and it was epic. I was feeling a lot better once I stepped through my gym doors and I knew that I was going to kill. I also got to pose today which went well although I was an hour away from eating so I was feeling pretty delirious. Conversations with other people typically go slow. I have to write everything down now or I'll forget what to do that day. Today was relatively a good day, not the absolute best, but I got through strong and I'm hoping that I'll wake up Sunday 100% back in this. My diet also is going to be changing for Monday. Here are my comparing pictures from last weeks posing session to this weeks. I feel there are many changes and I'm looking forward to kicking this next weeks ass and seeing some more changes. 34 days left. It's crunch time and I know I'm going to murder every session, I have no choice to.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

2011 --> 2013 Progress Picture & background

This was written July 9th 2013:

All my transformation pictures have been from the previous 6-8 months. Here's a picture of me at my heaviest. I was pushing 190 & I'm only 5'6. All bad. This is hard & embarrassing for me to post & share. This was @ the end of 2011. I was not a happy person during this time & spent most of my week drinking & binge eating & not taking care of my body, clearly. I carry most of my weight on my upper body & had constant back pain, no wonder. I now have ZERO back pain. Moving to Arizona to go to ASU was the best decision of my life. I lived in the dorm for a year which wasn't great on my body either but I was in the gym a couple days a week. Then my uncle whom I'm extremely close with got diagnosed with a rare & deadly cancer & I just lost it. I was all alone out here in AZ & went back to the alcohol & food. A friend of mine I met through school asked me if I wanted to start lifting at independence gym & ever since getting a membership there my life has changed. I started taking everything inside me out in the gym. I started losing weight minimally & it wasn't until I started with my coach/trainer now that I've seen such results. Everyone is different & for me I have to be 150% with my diet & exercise. Consistency & patience is key. I was in a dark place for a very long time & now I can finally say that I'm the happiest I have ever been with life; not only physically but mentally & emotionally too. I have learned so much through this journey & I plan on never looking back & letting myself get to an overwhelming amount of weight again. I used to look at other fit girls & think why not me? Why can't I look like that ? I wished I could look like them. Well now I don't want to look like someone else, I want to look like the best version of me. I don't think my coach really realizes that she's changed my life & i am forever grateful for her support & the continued support from my true #fitfam. I'm far from where I want to be but I'm getting better & closer everyday & most importantly I'm getting further & further away from what I used to be. Not sure if anyone will actually read all this junk & that's okay. I'm glad I wrote this all out anyway so I can remind myself of what I've been through & the struggles I've had with my body. I'd like to thank all the people who have stuck by my side & have encouraged me to continue down this path, y'all know who you are. & to the haters & people who continued to put me down for not being the "old me" I see you for what you truly are & I want nothing to do with you. I the real people & I can you fake fucks. But thank you haters for telling me that I could never look better, you truly have made me a beast.