Little thoughts about haters

Ah haters are great. People who think they are so entitled to their opinion. A woman in the judge locker room the other day was trying to “mind-fuck” me I swear. She was telling me how the judges last show picked a girl for the overall place who was more thick. She was basically saying I’m too lean. I had to of said at least three to five times to her, “that’s none of my concern”. Then it made me really start to think. This is MY body, therefore I make the rules. I’m not doing this for anybody else but me. I have something to prove to myself, not a judge. The judges can think whatever they want about my physique but if I stand up there, knowing I gave this process 150% and my all then guess what? I’m more than happy. Of course it would be awesome to place, but that’s not the point of this process. The point is that I set a goal, I did what I needed to do 100%, I never gave up and that’s that. I hate people who pick and poke at someone else’s body. For example, people will look at DLB and because she has no chest besides MUSCLE which is uh AWESOME, they want to say “oh she looks like a man” are you kidding me? It’s bad enough as it is that we already feel less feminine not having breasts anymore, but that doesn’t make me any less of a woman. I know that my shoulders and arms are big and now I want them to be even bigger. I want to embrace my body for what it is. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and for once in my life I finally feel that way. I can’t stand negativity and I won’t allow it into my life and let it affect how I feel about myself. I love my body, I really do, and I also love pushing and working towards progressing it into something unimaginable. A lot of people look at my physique now and don’t understand why I look so lean. Again, that’s none of my concern. I look lean because my body is being depleted. The day of the show I “fill-up” so that my muscles look fuller on stage. A lot of people don’t understand this process which is why I remind myself that every day and don’t mind the comments like “oh you’re too skinny, you’re face is so skinny, you’re so tiny blah blah blah” Yeah it gets annoying but I simply ignore it because they do not understand what I’m going through and it’s not their place to and I shouldn’t expect for every single person to look at me and think, “oh she must be training for a figure show”. I’m sure when I start gaining muscle I’ll receive the comments like “you’re so big now, you’re gaining weight…” But whatever, this is a lifestyle change and I keep myself surrounded by the people who bring me up most, and the people who understand what it is that I’m doing. 

DLB

One of the many people that I look up to in this lifestyle is Dana Linn Bailey. She is so inspiring and so motivating it is insane. Her husband rob bailey, also comes out with music that pumps me up. I swear every song I listen to speaks to me. Sometimes I get the chills listening to his music. Anyway, he posted a picture tonight of a negative comment, which is inevitable, about DLB looking “like a man”. I don’t think people who don’t live this lifestyle understand how much work it takes to get to her level. I know that this past prep has made me realize how hard it is to even change your body at all. You have to be patient, strong, disciplined, determined, motivated and most of all you have to be willing to make sacrifices. But, in the end you have to think to yourself, is it worth it? If you think it’s not, then you’re not fully committed to seeing a change. Now I’m sitting here asking myself, is all this hard work, sacrifice, dedication and discipline going to be worth it in the end? Absolutely it is. This journey is teaching me a lot more than just changing my body. It’s changing my state of mind. Patience is something that I’ve never really had and something that has always been hard for me to conquer. I can now say I feel most at ease with life and that I’m truly becoming a patient person. Of course, at times I do snap but that’s just because I’m carb depleted (;. We all have those days where we want to give up and just throw in the towel, it’s inevitable. But, these are breakthroughs and that’s the time where you have to look at yourself in the mirror and think “is this what I truly want?” and if the answer is YES then you need to adjust the attitude and get back into the game. This is all a mind-set. Like I’ve quoted before, the body achieves what the mind believes. Nothing is more powerful than believing in yourself, and having faith. In order to be successful and strong in this life you have to believe in yourself. You have to be willing to sacrifice and do whatever it takes to get to the level you want. This can be inflicted upon all parts of life, not just fitness. Breakthroughs in my eyes are good, and happen for a reason. It’s a great opportunity to speak to yourself and remind yourself just why you’re committed to changing. These breakthroughs also help remind you how far you’ve already come, and that it’s not worth it to settle and give up. Throwing in the towel is never an option in life. If you want success you have to work for it. You have to want it more than the people who say they want it to. Actions speak louder than words, and actions are obviously apparent and visual. 

Post Show Thoughts

This is my first show and the first time I have ever put so much effort into something that I truly love and am passionate about. I keep thinking about what is going to happen after the show and how my body is going to respond to more carbs. I figure I'm going to go back to clean eating throughout the week and enjoy a cheat meal once a week. I was doing that for a while before contest prep and it really was good, it wasn't difficult at all. I have to keep reminding myself that I will be okay and everything will be fine. I'm a fit person and this is my lifestyle so it's not like I'm going to start binge eating and not working out. That just wouldn't feel right to me at all. Don't get me wrong after the show I'm going to enjoy myself for a couple days while still being in the gym. Then it's back to the grind. I leaned out so much and I want to put on more muscle. This means that I'll be back to heavy lifting more frequently which is a plus because I LOVE lifting heavy, and I'll be taking in more good carbs like rice and oats. I'm so excited to make some more progress and changes for after the show and see what else my body is capable of doing. This is why I feel like I love doing this so much. You can always change it up. The body is going to react a certain way and it's just so unique how you can change.
Of course then my brain wants to play tricks on me and I start having negative thoughts for after the show like what if I get back to 185 pounds? First off, I don't see how that can be possible with the lifestyle I love to live. So boom, that's out of my head now. Secondly, I've worked so hard this past year and a half that I can't let myself think that I'll lose it. I can't lose it and I refuse. I plan on growing after the show and possibly start training for physique. I love this lifestyle and I'm happy to be in it. This is what truly makes me happy and I'm really looking forward to the "gains" after the show. I know that my boyfriend will also be a huge support and help me with lifting heavier weight and pushing my body again past it's limits. Again, you never know how truly far you can come and go if you don't try. I feel so much better getting these thoughts about after the show out of my mind. Now I can go study peacefully without these thoughts hah. 

Transformation Thoughts & Picture

Okay So this week has been a little weird. I've lost my spirit in this. But, no worries I've got it back. A lot of the time it helps to look back at just how far you have come. It helps me get my attitude back into the game to see how much progress I have made, and it also helps to hear feedback from other people. This picture was from 2011. I was standing probably about 185-190 pounds, I actually weigh 126 pounds now. This is crazy to think that I really have lost that much weight over the past two years. Nothing beats hard work ever, and that's guaranteed. I'm so excited to keep going in this path. I really feel like this is my destiny. There's nothing that excites my brain more than the thought of progressing and transforming my body and mind. It truly is such a unique and gratifying feeling that it is almost hard to put into words. I hope that I can inspire people to want to become a better version of themselves, in any kind of way. I want to help people believe that they can achieve what the mind believes. I've noticed how many people struggle with this challenge and if I could be someone to help them get there and keep them motivated and inspired, that would truly give me ultimate happiness. I have changed over these past months but I'm loving the person I'm becoming more and more each day. This isn't about achieving the "perfect" body, it never has been. This is about progress and proving to myself that if I set my mind to a goal, that I can achieve it. The mind is so powerful. I read inspirational quotes all the time and one that really gets to me is, "The body achieves what the mind believes". This is SO TRUE. If you want to change something about your life then you have to have the strength to believe that you can. Change is scary. I think about this all the time. I'm starting to realize how much I have really changed over the past year. Different experiences can change a person dramatically and I feel that everything happens for a reason. I met my boyfriend with perfect timing before this contest prep, for a reason. I truly believe he was sent to be in my life to put me in the direction I need to be in, and to be able to truly love and know what I'm capable of but also have an extreme passion for. I would have never known that I was capable of doing this without his encouragement, knowledge, and support. I couldn't be more thankful that he has been brought into my life. I'm accepting this change of direction in my life as a very positive thing. That's what you have to do. Always remain positive and know to follow your heart. I'm definitely going to continue to fight for this dream and do what I can to make it to the top. I feel like I have a really good chance to make a difference in this world, and mark my words, I'm going to. Anyway, I'm going to blog about my thoughts for AFTER the show in a little bit because honestly, it is quite scary and I have some concerns. But, like I keep reminding myself, it's all about making progress and doing something that you thought you would never be capable of doing. You never know how truly strong you can become if you don't get up and try to make a difference or a change in your life. I plan on never looking back and only going forward in this progression and transformation to take my body and mind to levels I never thought could be possible. I'm THAT motivated and determined to make a difference and I'm hoping I can help inspire and have other people realize that they CAN change, it's just a matter of how BAD you want it. 

29 days left !

My physique has changed dramatically in the past year and every week something different in my body changes whether it's a new vein that is more visible than before or a muscle appears more pumped. It is a strange feeling sometimes looking in the mirror and seeing what I see. The most dramatic thing for me to look at and process has been my face. I don't see differences directly but for example when I take pictures and look at them I get freaked out. I know I'm leaning out and obviously my face is going to appear more sunken in than usual. When I look at pictures I think "is that me?" "that's really what I look like?" It takes some getting used to but I can't say it doesn't freak me out or scare me a little bit. I know my family is going to not recognize me when they first see me and it might be strange to look at me for a while. But, this is what I wanted and this was a goal I had made in April and now it's starting to become a passion of mine. I can't see myself living any other way. This is my life, this is what I live for. 
On to the next topic that has been marinating in my mind for a while is the judgments and feedback I receive from people who do not know what I'm doing or who don't even know me at all. Society is fucked up and we live in a cold world. Judgments are going to happen regardless of what you look like. Everyone feels so god damn entitled to their opinion, which is fine, everyone is entitled to have an opinion but the problem lies in how that opinion is related and expressed to someone else. I get very defensive easily and it ticks me off when I know someone is saying something negative about how I live my life. This is my life, and I will live it how I want to regardless of what the "haters" have to say. I love this life. I'm starting to look more a more defined and the looks that I'm receiving from people sometimes make me want to punch them in the face. But, I have to remember that it is none of my concern about how they think about the way I look. The only thing I'm concerned about is myself and how I feel. I have to keep reminding myself that outsiders simply do not understand. No one understands how dedicated and disciplined you have to be in order to achieve what you want to, unless they are going through it themselves. Positive feedback from random people always motivate me to push further. I have something to prove. I told myself I would do this and I'm not a person to back down on my word. I'm going to do this show, I'm going to follow everything my coach says to do, trust the process and be patient with my body. I can't believe I've already come this far and I've only got 29 days left until I hit that stage. These next three in a half weeks are going to be rough but if I keep telling myself that I've got this and that I can do it, then there is no stopping me. I will not back down ever. This is all a mind-set, if you tell yourself you're going to fail then you are probably going to fail. I can't tell myself that, I have to keep my positive thoughts alive or I'll start to go insane. 

Random Thoughts

I'm 30 days away from hitting that stage and showing the judges what I have to offer. This is starting to make me extremely nervous. I'm hoping that I'll be where I need to be to succeed and at least get first call outs for my first show. I feel that I'm as prepared as I can ever be. I follow everything my coach says to a T. I have not missed any meals, I continue to lift as heavy as I can and push my cardio to the max. The diet hasn't worn me out but next week is when I start to cut my salt intake which should be interesting. Since I've never done this before I don't really know what to expect so I'm going to just trust the process. This journey has a lot to do with patience and trust. If I can't be patient with my body that'll just frustrate me and that'll just be worse for my attitude. Staying positive is the only way that I can keep myself sane. This doesn't mean that I'm being fake by any means but I'm seeing the best out of every situation I'm put into. No one is making me do this, I decided that I wanted to do this. I cannot afford to lose my patience and trust. I've come so far from what I used to be that I have no choice but to keep pushing and pushing towards my dreams. I'm so driven to have this moment in my life. This mental game is so intense but so fulfilling at the same time. I've also been having a lot of thoughts about my parents seeing my transformation. They haven't seen me since July of this year and I was weighing 145 then. I actually weighed myself yesterday and I weighed in at 128. I still have 4 weeks to go so we'll see where I lose more weight. Obviously my stomach is my main concern but I know with the salt and carb depletion, the abs will show. 
I think about my mom a lot. She's my main role model in life and I live to make her happy and proud. If I disappoint her, I'll be devastated. That's my biggest fear in life; not only failing but being a disappointment. I hate that word; disappointment. There's nothing that I don't want to hear more than "you disappointed me" from anyone, let alone a woman I love so dearly and look up to beyond words. I had this all planned out for when they arrived in Arizona for the show. I was going to meet them at their hotel and speak with them before I show them my body. However, they are flying in AFTER I have my scheduled tanning appointment. So, now they will be arriving and see me in the airport all dark and tan. This isn't an issue, and I'm not going to make it one either because I cannot be stressed. I've decided I'm going to come to the airport completely covered up and meet them inside the airport instead of picking them up out front. From there, I can't have anyone touch me so I'll have to explain that before I read them my speech. I've decided that I'm going to write out a speech of what I want to say and bring it so I don't forget anything that I want to say about this journey. I'll post that when I have it done. I've been going through some ideas in my head about what to say but as I get closer to seeing them, I'll have a better idea of how to put it. So the plan is, meet them in the airport, read my speech, show my body and pray for the best. I know I'm going to be crying, I just know it. This is such an emotional experience for me. If they aren't proud, I don't know what I'm going to do. I really will be devastated if they aren't proud. I know it has to be stupid of me to think that they won't be proud, of course they will be. But, the thought that they might not be proud still floats around in my mind. 

Friday Morning Nightmare

I've been going hard with my fitness and dieting for the last 7 weeks. I've had no days off. I've stuck to my diet 100% and I think that my body went into overdrive and finally decided it was done for. Thursday was a relatively good day. I was feeling good and my attitude and body were working together, it was a good day. But for some reason I felt a cold or sickness coming on. Well, sure as shit I woke up Friday morning in absolute pain. It was the worst feeling ever. Not only did I have cold like symptoms but my whole body was aching. I literally could not move without it hurting. I had training scheduled for 10 AM but texted my coach letting her know what was going on and she gave me the OK for a day of rest. I was thinking to myself "rest? what the hell is rest?" but I listened and took the day off from everything. All I did Friday was sleep and eat at my scheduled times. Shit my body needed that. I feel like it just reached its threshold and was like "enough! I'm done, give me a break". Well I did just that. My boyfriend bought me all the vitamins I needed throughout the day and I pounded down 3 gallons of water because I was NOT going to let this cold get any worse than it already was. I was in so much pain this Friday I'm so HAPPY that it is over. So today I woke up, not feeling 100% better but probably about 75% better. My sinuses are still clogged and I have a little bit of a cough but my body wasn't aching any longer and I knew I had to kick it into high gear and murder my training and cardio. I did just that. Today I lifted back and biceps and it was epic. I was feeling a lot better once I stepped through my gym doors and I knew that I was going to kill. I also got to pose today which went well although I was an hour away from eating so I was feeling pretty delirious. Conversations with other people typically go slow. I have to write everything down now or I'll forget what to do that day. Today was relatively a good day, not the absolute best, but I got through strong and I'm hoping that I'll wake up Sunday 100% back in this. My diet also is going to be changing for Monday. Here are my comparing pictures from last weeks posing session to this weeks. I feel there are many changes and I'm looking forward to kicking this next weeks ass and seeing some more changes. 34 days left. It's crunch time and I know I'm going to murder every session, I have no choice to. 

Feeling JACKED

Today was a fantastic day. I'm not sure if it was because it was my "high" carb day or what but I was feeling super great today. I killed my AM cardio and decided to do 45 minutes. Then I got my lashes done, see I may lift heavy and sweat like a man but sometimes I like to fall back into my feminine role (; Anyway I had class today which basically I sat there and blogged the whole time. I have an assignment due in that class next Tuesday and should probably get it done when I'm feeling functional. Then it was time to hit some shoulders and of course do some cardio. I love shoulders, I used to be really self-conscious about my arms (I would be in a sweatshirt everywhere, no matter what) then once I started losing the fat around the muscle and getting definition, I feel a lot better about them and I love having these boulders. Being a strong woman is definitely fulfilling, especially when you can show it. My shoulder workout went well and I was feeling really strong. I worked out at the school campus gym just because it's brand new and I wanted to check it out, plus it never hurts to change up the atmosphere of the gym. Sometimes it gets exhausting seeing the same people day in and day out. I needed a break from golds and independence. This new gym is fantastic, everything is brand new. I definitely obtained the award for queen meat head tonight. Now I just had my last meal of egg whites with mushrooms and onions & I'm off to bed. I'll be up at 6 AM to start my day.

2011 --> 2013 Progress Picture & background

This was written July 9th 2013:

All my transformation pictures have been from the previous 6-8 months. Here's a picture of me at my heaviest. I was pushing 190 & I'm only 5'6. All bad. This is hard & embarrassing for me to post & share. This was @ the end of 2011. I was not a happy person during this time & spent most of my week drinking & binge eating & not taking care of my body, clearly. I carry most of my weight on my upper body & had constant back pain, no wonder. I now have ZERO back pain. Moving to Arizona to go to ASU was the best decision of my life. I lived in the dorm for a year which wasn't great on my body either but I was in the gym a couple days a week. Then my uncle whom I'm extremely close with got diagnosed with a rare & deadly cancer & I just lost it. I was all alone out here in AZ & went back to the alcohol & food. A friend of mine I met through school asked me if I wanted to start lifting at independence gym & ever since getting a membership there my life has changed. I started taking everything inside me out in the gym. I started losing weight minimally & it wasn't until I started with my coach/trainer now that I've seen such results. Everyone is different & for me I have to be 150% with my diet & exercise. Consistency & patience is key. I was in a dark place for a very long time & now I can finally say that I'm the happiest I have ever been with life; not only physically but mentally & emotionally too. I have learned so much through this journey & I plan on never looking back & letting myself get to an overwhelming amount of weight again. I used to look at other fit girls & think why not me? Why can't I look like that ? I wished I could look like them. Well now I don't want to look like someone else, I want to look like the best version of me. I don't think my coach really realizes that she's changed my life & i am forever grateful for her support & the continued support from my true #fitfam. I'm far from where I want to be but I'm getting better & closer everyday & most importantly I'm getting further & further away from what I used to be. Not sure if anyone will actually read all this junk & that's okay. I'm glad I wrote this all out anyway so I can remind myself of what I've been through & the struggles I've had with my body. I'd like to thank all the people who have stuck by my side & have encouraged me to continue down this path, y'all know who you are. & to the haters & people who continued to put me down for not being the "old me" I see you for what you truly are & I want nothing to do with you. I the real people & I can you fake fucks. But thank you haters for telling me that I could never look better, you truly have made me a beast.

Social Media

The social media that I use are instagram, twitter and facebook.

IG: Kate_vicious

Twitter: Kate_vicious

Facebook: Caitlyn Grace

Feel free to add me on any. :)

Compilation of progress pictures

32 Week change

Week 13 posing --> Week 12

Suit Consultation 

Week 10 posing

Week 12 --> Week 10

6 week back difference

Week 8 posing

Working on my lat spread

Week 13 ---> Week 8

Week 13 ---> Week 8

Obliques & triceps

Pull ups 

MY SUIT

10-8-13 ABS

My very first suit

I GOT MY SUIT MONDAY!  Oh my goodness it was so exciting. Although, I did wish my mother could have been there with me to share the moment. But, I guess that’s what growing up is all about right? Moving away from Mommy and being a big girl. Well, I got my suit, my very own suit. I have worked so hard for this thus far that I cannot back down now. This show becomes more real every single day as I get closer and closer. 37 freaking days left!

Drilling Posing

Ah posing. Posing is difficult. It’s like "stand here in this awkward ass position and act like you’re not in pain and that it is not uncomfortable". I pose with my coach every weekend for about an hour and I’m always sore the next day. Which is normal but sucks. Posing pictures will be posted every week with the week before pictures. It is starting to get easier with each week as I get leaner. But, it is apart of the process and I’m practicing in my mirror all the time to get the feeling of how my body should look and feel because when you’re on stage there are no mirrors to correct yourself. You have to be able to feel where your body is at and be able to manipulate your body to look the best with the designated pose. There are six different poses that we run through on stage. The first being the front pose, quarter turn to the right (side pose), quarter turn again and hit your back pose (winning pose), quarter turn again and hit the other side pose, quarter turn and hit your front pose again. Then they ask for modified pose to each side. Once the pictures are posted it’ll make a lot more sense. I'm working my hardest on getting my posing down. I know I'm going to be nervous being on that stage in front of people, and I fear that my body might not respond the way I want it to due to nerves. 

Spasms, Twitching & Soreness

As I start developing more and more muscles they decide that they want to move around as they please. Sometimes it’s cool to see them moving around. Other times it is the worst pain ever. It literally is when your muscles tense up like a ball and just SQUEEEEEEEZE. It is SO painful. I remember one night it woke me up out of my sleep when BOTH my calves were spasm-ing and I literally was screaming “FUCK ME”. The pain goes away after it’s done doing it’s thing. 
I also recently have been experienced more and more feeling in my back with my muscles moving around. Actually right now the left side of my lower back is spasm-ing a little bit but not painfully, it also feels like it is on fire, this is such a weird feeling.

Twitching is HILARIOUS. I remember the first couple times sleeping over at Dom’s house and how he would ALWAYS twitch before falling asleep. His twitches are vigorous; I've damn near been knocked out by his arm in the middle of the night from his twitching. His response? “Sorry, it’s because I have muscles” He also told me that the more muscular I get, that I’ll be twitching a lot more as well. Well, that has begun. I’ll never forget one night he said “You’re twitching, you’re twitching” and it was weird because ONE I was asleep and TWO I couldn't even feel my body doing it. So I’m half asleep getting woken up by him telling me I’m twitching and I was PISSED. I was really upset actually it’s quite hilarious looking back. I responded “NO I’M NOT TWITCHING YOU’RE LYING” We both laughed about it in the morning because my tone of voice was really pissy.

Ahh to be sore every single day of the week. It sucks but that’s part of the process. I lift six times a week and I’m hitting every muscle group roughly twice a week. I lift three times with my coach and she sends me the other workouts to do. Of course, it is up to me to decide whether or not do to these workouts. My coach isn't going to hold my hand the whole way and make sure that I complete my own training days. I love to lift, so I complete the workouts and plus, that's what champions do. There isn't a day of the week that a muscle group isn't sore. Glutamine is supposed to help with the soreness and it does work most of the time. I’m not EXTREMELY sore EVERY day, but there are days that I have where my lifting was heavy and intense and the next day, I’m in pain. But, you can’t grow if you don’t go through some pain every now and then. Dom also helps tremendously by stretching me out every week. This is also no fun and is very painful but “hurts so good”. 

Supplements

Supplements are necessary. I take creatine, arginine, l-leucine, CLA, Kryptolean, Whey protein and glutamine. Not much to say about these supplements and vitamins besides, I take them religiously. Why? Because that’s what my coach said to do, and she knows what she’s doing. It is crucial that I take my “drugs” (I like to mess around) every day AM & PM

Getting Vascular

Small post about veins. I LOVE them. Being vascular is something I've never really been and the leaner I get, the more vascular I get and it truly makes me proud when my veins are popping out showing. It is especially exciting when I don’t even have a pump going on (; On my transformation picture blog post I will be including these kinds of pictures. 

Weekend Breakdown

Here comes the fun part. Carbs make you happy, everybody knows that. Well, my carb intake is low and this causes me to have mood swings, think irrationally and feel fucking stupid, I like to call it zombie mode, or hitting my "wall". IF I let the thought of food overcome my brain and win. Which, I’m not going to let happen. Although this previous weekend when I got rid of Shady, I felt like I was starting to lose it. I really thought I was going insane, like maybe I AM CRAZY, maybe I’M PSYCHOTIC, these are seriously the thoughts that were going through my head. I couldn't get my mind to just shut the fuck up for one got damn minute. I also was having a difficult time studying for a huge midterm that I was stressing myself over. So how did I deal with this? Fucking cried. I cried hard Friday and Saturday. Why? No fucking idea. I just felt overwhelmed with school, training, my diet and my cat that I just broke down. Now this is completely normal and I was forewarned that I will have days where I just lose it and look in the mirror and think WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS? Then I have to remind myself that I am NOT crazy, I am NOT psychotic and that I am FINE. It was really hard this weekend, I can’t even put it into words of all the emotions that I was feeling at once. At one point on Sunday (10-6) I was literally sitting on the toilet (just peeing) and sat there for about 20 minutes thinking about what I’m going to do with my life and where I’m going to be at when I’m 30. Like WHAT? Why are you thinking about that now? It’s unnecessary. I’m terrified of the future, I fear failure like none other but at the end of the day I don’t need to be thinking about where I’m going to be when I’m 30 years old. At least not right now. I like to take my days as they come. It can become very overwhelming thinking too much. Which is one of the main reasons that my phone background is “Don’t think too much”. It’s simple. I know what needs to be done and I’m going to do it, balls to the wall is one of my motto's. So this is my one and hopefully (fingers crossed) only entry about having random crying attacks over the previous weekend. It wasn't fun by any means but I got through, I didn't turn to a giant pizza to cure my emotions. Although was I thinking about it? Abso-fucking-lutely I was. I REFUSE to cave. I’m not that type of person. I’m giving this all I've got. There is no turning back, no time to give up now. Food can WAIT and it WILL. 

SHADY

Alright so I have, well HAD this cat named shady. This past weekend I had a couple breakdowns. I lost my shit. I completely lost it. I’m going to blog more in depth about that breakdown after this post. Here’s the story about this cat. Warning: Curse words MIGHT appear. So my mother bought me this wonderful cat last November. I got him when I was alone so he was perfect for that phase in my life. However, recently he had been on my last nerve and I couldn’t deal with him anymore. I felt guilty because I was not home all the time due to training and school. This what eating me alive. He also decided he was going to be a little asshole and piss all over my fucking couch, bath mats and shower. What fucking cat pees in the shower? Whatever, so annoying. He also talks A LOT, and complains like no other. I could barely function and attempt to study for my courses with that kind of distraction in my house. He started to become too big of a responsibility for me to handle right now with all that is going on in my life. I know it’s just a cat and I keep reminding myself that daily. They are pretty independent but my cat was different. I didn’t kill him by the way, although I did contemplate just leaving my door open and well whatever happened, happened. I shipped him to my mothers in California. He basically is at Disneyland for cats and I’m sure he is a lot happier now. I feel like I needed a break with all that I’m focusing on. I mean I’m graduating from ASU with my BS after this semester and I’m terrified. I swear I’m meant to be in the fitness world and change this world somehow, but not in a criminal justice way. This fitness life is my passion. I love it so much, and have lost my interest in criminal justice. But guess fucking what? You always have to finish what you start so I’m going to finish my degree and not try to think about the future too much, it gets overwhelming. So now I have to deal with the fact that I failed my parents and couldn’t handle the responsibility of taking care of a fucking cat. But like I said, he’s way better off with my mother. PLUS she offered to take him in. I never asked or begged her to take him. I was complaining about his actions and how I lost connection with him and she said “well fine, just send him to me” so I did. Was it hard? Fuck no it wasn’t. I mean okay, I did cry a little but not enough to let it ruin my day, I just went and worked out after, problem solved. Right now I am feeling oh so relieved ! It’s like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. No more worrying if my cat is dead because I haven’t been home in over 24 hours. No more of anything ! It feels nice. I’m considering getting my shit together and possibly taking him back but for as of right now I am so much more focused on my training and most importantly my school work. 

More in depth look as to why I’m doing this show

First of all, I told myself in April of this year that I was going to compete in a figure show. I told myself that I wasn't going to give up on a dream of mine and I told myself that I was going to do this regardless of what anyone might say or think about it. When I set my mind on a goal I have to complete it, because if I don't complete the goal then that means I failed myself. I cannot fail myself. This show means so much more to me than just looking a certain way. This show prep has taught me so much more than I could have even imagined possible. This show has taught me to be patient and consistent with all aspects in life. Another reason as to why this show is so important to me is because my family has no idea that I’m doing it. This show is a surprise for them to show them how hard I could work and how much determination and drive I have to be able to succeed in this type of sport. Another factor contributing to the importance of the show is the actual date of it. I compete November 15^th and 16^th. My birthday happens to be November 10^th (yay I’ll be 5 days out loving life I’m sure!) My dad Toms birthday happens to be the 16^th of November. So, when I told myself I was going to do this show in April I told my parents that I wanted them to fly out the weekend of the show to celebrate Toms birthday and my own, on top of a SURPRISE for them. I pray and think about them being proud of me all the time. I would be absolutely devastated if they were not proud of my transformation, sacrifice and hard work that I've put into this the last 6 months. I know it’s silly and stupid of me to think that they wouldn't be proud but sometimes I can’t help but think that they might not be proud and might think that what I've done is stupid and pointless. But to me, lasting through this prep and giving it my all is all I can do and the rest is up to the big man upstairs. They have no idea what I really look like right now and the last time that they've seen me in person was July and I was weighing at about 145 pounds then. I pray I can make my parents proud. 

How I stay "full"

Alright so if you've seen my previous blogs then you have seen how my diet is. Very small portions, enough to fully function. What I'm doing is by no means unhealthy. I am completely healthy, I'm just getting my carbs through different sources and not from the delicious type of stuff (;
Anyway, my body has gotten used to my portion intake HOWEVER, of course sometimes I get hungry in between meals and there are many tricks that I use to keep my belly satisfied before my next meal.
Cucumbers, just straight up eat a cucumber, not necessary to cut it or do anything fancy with it. The looks I get from people are quite hilarious. Someone could be walking around eating a corn dog and no one would look twice about it. But, you walk around with a giant cucumber in your mouth, the stares will follow. For me personally I don't even care. I'm hungry so I'm going to eat a damn cucumber whenever I want. Cucumbers are great too because the skin makes you burp. Oh, I like to burp by the way. Hah.
Now I'll only do the whole eating the cucumber while walking to class when I'm in a hurry. Other days when I'm home and in my kitchen I make salads with almost every meal. My salads consist of GARLIC (obsession), lettuce, cucumbers, dill relish (for now), mustard (for now), balsamic (for now) mushrooms and onions. Now I don't throw all those items together. Mustard and balsamic doesn't sound too appetizing to me. But mustard doesn't have any calories, it's just salt. All I know is that after the show I don't want to see anything GREEN. Hah. I'm joking. I love my greens. But really the "fillers" help.
Another thing I love to do is use lemons and limes with my salads, and sometimes cilantro.

A gallon a day keeps the fat away !

Right now I'm drinking a gallon + water a day. This seemed like a lot of water in the beginning but living in the desert it is VERY easy. Carrying around a gallon of water to class is quite annoying. So now what I do is keep my gallon in my fridge and refill my blender bottle before I head to class. Of course, midway through class I'm out of water already AND I more than likely have to pee REALLY badly.
All I do is pee. I remember in the beginning of prep I was thinking "why am I peeing so got damn much?" Well Kate, obviously because you're drinking a lot of water dummy. And that is fat that is excreting from your body so it is obviously a good thing.
But I couldn't tell anyone how annoying it is to constantly have to pee. I SWEAR I AM ALWAYS PEEING. But it's a good thing so I can't complain.
NOW eventually I will be blogging about how THIRSTY I am. How ironic. As I get closer to the show in order for my muscles to "pop" on stage I have to deplete my body of the water that is in it. From what my coach has told me thus far, I'll start out drinking 2 gallons 5 days before the show and each day it gets less and less. Those posts should be interesting, looking forward to that...NOT.

Social Life--or lack thereof

Social life during cutting season. Hah. Forget about it. First of all society is really all about going out to EAT. Think about it, you're with your friends, bored, what do you think of "where should we eat today/tonight?" Well you as a competitor, can't do this. Sure, try going out with your friends and watch them eat copious amounts of delicious food that you haven't been able to touch in weeks. See how that makes you feel. It won't make you feel good, and it's not worth it. Why put your brain through that? Sure it can make you stronger and teach you how to discipline yourself but at the end of the day, it can wait. Go to the mall to go shopping? Yeah I bet that sounds fun right before you start smelling the food court and seeing other restaurants. Plus, you need money for supplements and you could probably use some more socks or gym clothes. In my eyes it's not worth it to put yourself through more pain than you are already enduring. It's bad enough watching TV with my boyfriend and seeing fast food commercials and just drooling at the TV while your ass is sitting there enjoying the shit out of some chicken and broccoli. Movies are cool too, if you don't like popcorn, candy or soda. Personally, I don't mind going to the movies. In fact, myself and Dom see a movie almost every weekend. I'm not really a popcorn or soda type of person. Sweets and desserts are what get me. Dom is OBSESSED with popcorn. He absolutely loves it. Most times when we see movies we have to schedule it around our eating time. If the movie happens to fall during a scheduled eating time we have it packed. We basically live out of tupperware if we want to go anywhere outside the house for more than a couple hours. 
My typical day is: eating every 3 hours, studying for school, working out, doing cardio, meal prepping if necessary, and I'm loving every minute of it. There simply is not even time to go out because by your last meal you are TIRED and ready for BED and getting your sleep is JUST AS important if not more. This prep is really time consuming but it's fun being so busy, in later blogs I will discuss the days where everything seems to be falling apart. Those blogs will be the tough ones. But for now, I'm feeling good, everything is going as planned and I'm on track.

Meal Prep

In order for my diet to run smoothly during the week I have to cook my main meats which right now is chicken, ground turkey & ground beef. I'm lucky in this category because my portions are a lot smaller than Dom's. I almost feel bad for him, he eats a lot more than i do and when he preps his food, it lasts him only a couple days whereas my prep will last me the whole week.
It's quite simple when it comes to meal prep. We do it together. Okay, I don't cook, I'm not allowed in the kitchen so I basically just watch and observe Dom cook my food. All you have to do is designate a day where you have a couple hours to kill, Sundays are usually the days that we meal prep together.
How we do the prep is we go to Sams club, basically a Costco and purchase our meats for the week. Pick out our marinades and start cooking. This takes a lot of time management but in the end it is so worth it so that during the week you can easily weigh out your meats and reheat your meals and you're all set. 
Without Dom preparing my food with me I really think that I would be struggling, he really makes everything taste so much better and I couldn't thank him enough every day for his help and support during my first show prep.
During prep you definitely cannot go out to eat under any circumstances. We have to eat what is on our diet specifically & nothing else, no excuses. We have to have our meats prepared a certain way and eventually my meats will be cooked salt free. This is something I'm not looking forward to. Salt makes everything a lot tastier. But, this is the road I wanted to take and these are some of the sacrifices as competitors that we make to be able to look our best on that stage for that two minutes.

Cardio Loving !

Ah sweet sweet cardio ! First, I'd like to say if someone says they genuinely enjoy cardio they are LYING. No one can enjoy walking on something stationary for X amount of minutes. I mean really, who wants to climb up stairs or walk on a treadmill with no set destination? Besides the destination of becoming a champion (;   
Granted, i do have days of the week when I'm SUPER into cardio and time goes by quickly but then there are days where I just don't want to do it. But, you have to do it. Currently I do an hour and 15 minutes of cardio every day. I normally split it up 45 in the afternoon then 30 at night after I lift. Some days I feel fantastic and have a great mood going so I'll do extra. Extra cardio can never hurt.
The type of cardio that I do is the treadmill at a 15% incline at a speed of 3.2-4.0, if I'm feeling good I'll throw in some intervals every 5 minutes I'll sprint for a minute, I try my very best to do this as often as possible. You have to push your body beyond it's limits. Your body is fully capable of doing it, it's your mind telling you that you're tired, hungry, and over it but you have to feed out those negative thoughts and think to yourself "no I LOVE this shit, this is my FAVORITE thing to do and i'm going to KILL it" I try to tell myself this every time before I start my cardio, it actually REALLY helps me.
The second type of cardio machine I'll use is the good ole stair master. I'll start the stair master at level 6 to get warmed up and work up to level 10-12 and try to keep it sustained.
I know that my cardio is going to increase as I get closer to the show so I already starting prepping myself for doing 45 in the AM and 45 in the PM. It's possible and it's a great thing to do in between meals cause guess what? You don't have anything else better to do.

Current Meal Plan-5 weeks out !

MY MEAL PLAN: CARB CYCLE.

Oh carbs how we just LOVE them right? Pft. Forget the carbs. It's depleting season.

My meal plan is as follows: (do not follow this yourself, it's meant for my current body weight, height, fat and goals, it simply would not do you any justice)

Mon/Tues/Thur/Fri/Sun
"LOW" carb day

Meal 1: 5 Egg whites & 1/2 c oats
Meal 2: 1 scoop shake
Meal 3: 4 oz ground turkey/chicken & 1 cup greens (broccoli) (96% lean turkey)
Meal 4: 4 oz ground turkey/chicken & 1 cup greens
Meal 5: 1 scoop shake & 1/4 c oats
Meal 6: 4 oz ground beef (96% lean) & 1/4 c rice
Meal 7: 1 scoop shake--before bed
This means I'm up at 6AM consuming meal one so that my last meal is at midnight because my ass needs to sleep.

Wed/Sat "HIGH" carb day
Meal 1: 5 EW & 1/4 c oats
Meal 2: 1 sc shake & 1/4 c oats
Meal 3: 4 oz GT/CH & 1/4 c rice
Meal 4: 4 oz GT/CH & 1 cup greens
Meal 5: 1 sc shake & 1/4 c oats
Meal 6: 4 EW or 1 sc shake

On these days I wake up a little later to start my meals, normally around 8 or 9 AM.

Introduction to the fit cult

This is my first post and it's going to be LONG. The only reason that this first post is SO LONG is because I feel that an intro is necessary for the remaining blogs to make more seanse. Each blog post after will be much much much shorter. I'm trying to keep this as short as possible, which is seemingly hard. ANYWAY, Here we go !

This is my story of my fitness journey and my road to my first NPC figure show in Arizona. First I'll give a background as to how and why I got to this level of fitness. So here we go...at one point in my life I was pushing 185 pounds and I'm only 5'6 and currently 21 years old going on 22 this November. I never liked the person I saw in the mirror. I was very self-conscious about my body and very uncomfortable in my own skin. I know a lot of people can relate to me on this. It is such an aggravating and shitty fucking feeling going into a store and having to constantly ask for bigger sizes in any sort of clothing. I hated going shopping for clothes because I was so embarrassed of how I looked. It's crazy how the world can make you feel. You should be able to be comfortable in your own skin but you can't be, why? because the world judges you for how you look regardless of being overweight, underweight, average, super fit etc...you are judged. It's the sad reality of how we live but we constantly judge each other, I know that I'm very well guilty of doing that. But anyway, I carried a lot of the weight on my chest and upper body. No wonder that I had constant lower back pain my boobs were a size DDD. I clearly remember thinking how cool big boobs were, in fact, they were not in any sort of way. Going into Victoria's Secret and seeing that they don't have your size bra is quite frustrating. I was overweight and I wasn't getting any healthier each day. I remember the day my mother MADE me get on the scale. It's funny looking back at all this shit now. She really saw how unhappy I was and knew that I needed a reality check in my weight gain. At the time of course I thought that I was KILLING it. I had these big boobs that everyone loved and was jealous of. I really swore that I wasn't overweight and that I looked decent. Now, I knew that I wasn't extremely fit, but, I didn't realize how much weight I actually was gaining. Let's call it my freshmen 50.
Soo I gained all this weight during my junior college years where the only thing I was concerned about was getting completely wasted and binge eating at 2 in the morning. Granted, this was very fun, not going to deny that, BUT it hurt me in the long run. Then I got into ASU and obviously went with that because I needed to get my ass out of Orange County and move on from those junior college days. So packed up my bags and headed to phoenix to study criminal justice at ASU. Living in a new place was very rough on myself mentally, emotionally and physically. I also moved into a dorm so I was living out of a cafeteria and mini fridge for my first year of big girl college. The gym wasn't important to me and neither was my diet. I tried my best to eat what was right but it was very difficult to manage. I did go to the YMCA to get my workouts in but again they weren't rigorous and without diet, exercise and consistency, the body will not change. A friend from class asked me if i wanted to start working out at a really cool gym he found. This gym is called independence gym in scottsdale and it has forever changed my life. This gym is so unique, the name speaks for itself. I've never felt better in my life then when I step through those doors. 
So we began power lifting and this was FUN. I LOVED lifting heavy. I was ALWAYS told as a female never to lift heavy because then you'll get bulky. WELP this is true in a sense, without cardio & just purely heavy lifting & no diet, I'm sure most women would "bulk" up. Now of course the stigma is that when a woman starts to lift heavy that they will all of a sudden have a body builder physique. This isn't the case at all. I don't feel like I bulked up during my heavy lifting days but I definitely feel like I was gaining muscle. I was in that gym every day setting new PR and meeting fantastic people that have also changed my life. I was seeing changes in my body, but they were minimal.
Then the bad shit always seems to want to happen when life is going so good right? You bet. My uncle whom I'm extremely close with got diagnosed with a rare and deadly cancer. He has two precious daughters whom I'm extremely close with as well.I was all alone in Arizona when I found out about this devastating news, oh meanwhile I was also in the middle of spring semester finals week. Fuck. This news tore me apart and I did NOT know how to react. But, like a typical 20 year old I went to what I knew best and that was drinking my problems away.  I can drink and when I say drink I mean getting completely shit-faced-don't-know-my-name drinking. I'm half Italian and half Irish. There are a lot of drinking problems in my genes and family. Anyway, I decided to get drunk off my ass numerous amounts of times which again was damaging my mind and body. There is nothing more painful in life than seeing someone you love so much go through so much pain, and knowing that there isn't anything you can do to take away their pain, no matter how hard you cry, scream, or pray, the pain they are enduring will not go away. In the beginning I was dealing with my uncles illness in a hurtful way. I'm not sure what it was, maybe an epiphany but something in my mind clicked and I thought to myself "KATE why in the world are you doing to yourself? Stop this, you know what you're doing is hurting you" and I just had to stop resorting to binge drinking and eating. So what did I do? I started lifting heavy more and more each week. 
When I moved into my apartment things seem to get easier. I was able to grocery shop and cook my own food. But, then I turned 21 (for real this time), no more use of that damn fake ID (which I got when i was 17--yikes). I acted like a typical 21 year old and went out almost every weekend and got hammered, but the difference with my drinking was that I wasn't drinking because I was sad or alone, I had accepted the fact that my uncle was sick and that is something that I simply could not control and change. I mean I go to ASU, give me a break. Let's fast forward to the summer that changed my life. My uncle was doing extremely well and I was making more and more friends with the people from my gym, who obviously live the "fit life". Everything in life was going great and I knew it was time to take things to a whole new level. I was not enrolled in any summer classes so I knew I had that 14 weeks to make a change and make every day count.
You ever reach the point where you've just said FUCK IT I'M GOING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO CHANGE MY BODY AND FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF.(or any other aspect in life). That's what happened to me and that's exactly what I'm doing right now. I've always looked up to fit women and thought they were beautiful being that we live in a society where "looking like a man" is frowned upon. My coach Kayce Gorman is someone I picked out from my gym, did my creeping on her facebook and knew this is the woman that will get me to where I want to be. This is the woman that will push me beyond my limits and this is the woman that will change my body, attitude and health. She is exactly all those things and much more. In April I set up a consultation with my coach and told her I was interested in doing a figure show because that is what I wanted to be, a competitor; I'm naturally a competitor (I used to be a competitive cheerleader) so, I thought to myself "why not take my fitness to the next level?". There was a show in November which gave me about 7 months of prepping, which was plenty of time for me to drop. I started working with my coach the week school was out in May. In May I weighed in at 167 pounds and 25% body fat. She set me up on a meal and cardio plan and I lifted with her 3 times a week. I followed the plans to a T. I was so determined (still am) to lose this weight and become a better version of me. I was dropping body fat instantly and the progress became addicting. I loved stepping on that scale about every two weeks and seeing that number drop because I knew I was working my ass off to see a change. I was losing almost 4-5 lbs a week just alone by sticking to my diet, doing my cardio and lifting weights. I did have one cheat meal a week, until the hard part began.
 Typically competitors do a 12 week prep for their shows, I started a week early. So my prep has been a 13 week prep. It is now 5 weeks before I step onto that stage and I'm now started to deal with the typical struggles most competitors do. I've come 6 weeks so far without many problems (mind games). The reason I've started this blog is because I feel like if I write out what I'm feeling and what I'm going through it'll be awesome to reflect upon in the future and it's also good to keep me sane, because sometimes, I feel like I'm insane. I literally feel like I'm going insane. Also, if this blog is able to help anyone out there trying to change their lifestyle and they start to feel inspired by my posts, that would be very rewarding for me.
Let me talk about my boyfriend real quick, because he is very important to my story as well. We started dating after fourth of July and he is simply the most amazing man I have ever met and is extremely helpful during this contest prep. He is also competing in the show but what is great about him is that he has done this before so his insight is extremely helpful. He also changes my mood from shitty to fantastic instantly by just seeing his face. When I see him I feel sane again and I feel happy and all my negative thoughts go away. I guess I really like this man (;

The next blog is going to be where I'm currently at which is 38 days away from stepping onto that stage and showing the judges how hard I've worked.