Weekend Breakdown

Here comes the fun part. Carbs make you happy, everybody knows that. Well, my carb intake is low and this causes me to have mood swings, think irrationally and feel fucking stupid, I like to call it zombie mode, or hitting my "wall". IF I let the thought of food overcome my brain and win. Which, I’m not going to let happen. Although this previous weekend when I got rid of Shady, I felt like I was starting to lose it. I really thought I was going insane, like maybe I AM CRAZY, maybe I’M PSYCHOTIC, these are seriously the thoughts that were going through my head. I couldn't get my mind to just shut the fuck up for one got damn minute. I also was having a difficult time studying for a huge midterm that I was stressing myself over. So how did I deal with this? Fucking cried. I cried hard Friday and Saturday. Why? No fucking idea. I just felt overwhelmed with school, training, my diet and my cat that I just broke down. Now this is completely normal and I was forewarned that I will have days where I just lose it and look in the mirror and think WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS? Then I have to remind myself that I am NOT crazy, I am NOT psychotic and that I am FINE. It was really hard this weekend, I can’t even put it into words of all the emotions that I was feeling at once. At one point on Sunday (10-6) I was literally sitting on the toilet (just peeing) and sat there for about 20 minutes thinking about what I’m going to do with my life and where I’m going to be at when I’m 30. Like WHAT? Why are you thinking about that now? It’s unnecessary. I’m terrified of the future, I fear failure like none other but at the end of the day I don’t need to be thinking about where I’m going to be when I’m 30 years old. At least not right now. I like to take my days as they come. It can become very overwhelming thinking too much. Which is one of the main reasons that my phone background is “Don’t think too much”. It’s simple. I know what needs to be done and I’m going to do it, balls to the wall is one of my motto's. So this is my one and hopefully (fingers crossed) only entry about having random crying attacks over the previous weekend. It wasn't fun by any means but I got through, I didn't turn to a giant pizza to cure my emotions. Although was I thinking about it? Abso-fucking-lutely I was. I REFUSE to cave. I’m not that type of person. I’m giving this all I've got. There is no turning back, no time to give up now. Food can WAIT and it WILL.