Post Show Thoughts

This is my first show and the first time I have ever put so much effort into something that I truly love and am passionate about. I keep thinking about what is going to happen after the show and how my body is going to respond to more carbs. I figure I'm going to go back to clean eating throughout the week and enjoy a cheat meal once a week. I was doing that for a while before contest prep and it really was good, it wasn't difficult at all. I have to keep reminding myself that I will be okay and everything will be fine. I'm a fit person and this is my lifestyle so it's not like I'm going to start binge eating and not working out. That just wouldn't feel right to me at all. Don't get me wrong after the show I'm going to enjoy myself for a couple days while still being in the gym. Then it's back to the grind. I leaned out so much and I want to put on more muscle. This means that I'll be back to heavy lifting more frequently which is a plus because I LOVE lifting heavy, and I'll be taking in more good carbs like rice and oats. I'm so excited to make some more progress and changes for after the show and see what else my body is capable of doing. This is why I feel like I love doing this so much. You can always change it up. The body is going to react a certain way and it's just so unique how you can change.
Of course then my brain wants to play tricks on me and I start having negative thoughts for after the show like what if I get back to 185 pounds? First off, I don't see how that can be possible with the lifestyle I love to live. So boom, that's out of my head now. Secondly, I've worked so hard this past year and a half that I can't let myself think that I'll lose it. I can't lose it and I refuse. I plan on growing after the show and possibly start training for physique. I love this lifestyle and I'm happy to be in it. This is what truly makes me happy and I'm really looking forward to the "gains" after the show. I know that my boyfriend will also be a huge support and help me with lifting heavier weight and pushing my body again past it's limits. Again, you never know how truly far you can come and go if you don't try. I feel so much better getting these thoughts about after the show out of my mind. Now I can go study peacefully without these thoughts hah. 

Random Thoughts

I'm 30 days away from hitting that stage and showing the judges what I have to offer. This is starting to make me extremely nervous. I'm hoping that I'll be where I need to be to succeed and at least get first call outs for my first show. I feel that I'm as prepared as I can ever be. I follow everything my coach says to a T. I have not missed any meals, I continue to lift as heavy as I can and push my cardio to the max. The diet hasn't worn me out but next week is when I start to cut my salt intake which should be interesting. Since I've never done this before I don't really know what to expect so I'm going to just trust the process. This journey has a lot to do with patience and trust. If I can't be patient with my body that'll just frustrate me and that'll just be worse for my attitude. Staying positive is the only way that I can keep myself sane. This doesn't mean that I'm being fake by any means but I'm seeing the best out of every situation I'm put into. No one is making me do this, I decided that I wanted to do this. I cannot afford to lose my patience and trust. I've come so far from what I used to be that I have no choice but to keep pushing and pushing towards my dreams. I'm so driven to have this moment in my life. This mental game is so intense but so fulfilling at the same time. I've also been having a lot of thoughts about my parents seeing my transformation. They haven't seen me since July of this year and I was weighing 145 then. I actually weighed myself yesterday and I weighed in at 128. I still have 4 weeks to go so we'll see where I lose more weight. Obviously my stomach is my main concern but I know with the salt and carb depletion, the abs will show. 
I think about my mom a lot. She's my main role model in life and I live to make her happy and proud. If I disappoint her, I'll be devastated. That's my biggest fear in life; not only failing but being a disappointment. I hate that word; disappointment. There's nothing that I don't want to hear more than "you disappointed me" from anyone, let alone a woman I love so dearly and look up to beyond words. I had this all planned out for when they arrived in Arizona for the show. I was going to meet them at their hotel and speak with them before I show them my body. However, they are flying in AFTER I have my scheduled tanning appointment. So, now they will be arriving and see me in the airport all dark and tan. This isn't an issue, and I'm not going to make it one either because I cannot be stressed. I've decided I'm going to come to the airport completely covered up and meet them inside the airport instead of picking them up out front. From there, I can't have anyone touch me so I'll have to explain that before I read them my speech. I've decided that I'm going to write out a speech of what I want to say and bring it so I don't forget anything that I want to say about this journey. I'll post that when I have it done. I've been going through some ideas in my head about what to say but as I get closer to seeing them, I'll have a better idea of how to put it. So the plan is, meet them in the airport, read my speech, show my body and pray for the best. I know I'm going to be crying, I just know it. This is such an emotional experience for me. If they aren't proud, I don't know what I'm going to do. I really will be devastated if they aren't proud. I know it has to be stupid of me to think that they won't be proud, of course they will be. But, the thought that they might not be proud still floats around in my mind. 

Friday Morning Nightmare

I've been going hard with my fitness and dieting for the last 7 weeks. I've had no days off. I've stuck to my diet 100% and I think that my body went into overdrive and finally decided it was done for. Thursday was a relatively good day. I was feeling good and my attitude and body were working together, it was a good day. But for some reason I felt a cold or sickness coming on. Well, sure as shit I woke up Friday morning in absolute pain. It was the worst feeling ever. Not only did I have cold like symptoms but my whole body was aching. I literally could not move without it hurting. I had training scheduled for 10 AM but texted my coach letting her know what was going on and she gave me the OK for a day of rest. I was thinking to myself "rest? what the hell is rest?" but I listened and took the day off from everything. All I did Friday was sleep and eat at my scheduled times. Shit my body needed that. I feel like it just reached its threshold and was like "enough! I'm done, give me a break". Well I did just that. My boyfriend bought me all the vitamins I needed throughout the day and I pounded down 3 gallons of water because I was NOT going to let this cold get any worse than it already was. I was in so much pain this Friday I'm so HAPPY that it is over. So today I woke up, not feeling 100% better but probably about 75% better. My sinuses are still clogged and I have a little bit of a cough but my body wasn't aching any longer and I knew I had to kick it into high gear and murder my training and cardio. I did just that. Today I lifted back and biceps and it was epic. I was feeling a lot better once I stepped through my gym doors and I knew that I was going to kill. I also got to pose today which went well although I was an hour away from eating so I was feeling pretty delirious. Conversations with other people typically go slow. I have to write everything down now or I'll forget what to do that day. Today was relatively a good day, not the absolute best, but I got through strong and I'm hoping that I'll wake up Sunday 100% back in this. My diet also is going to be changing for Monday. Here are my comparing pictures from last weeks posing session to this weeks. I feel there are many changes and I'm looking forward to kicking this next weeks ass and seeing some more changes. 34 days left. It's crunch time and I know I'm going to murder every session, I have no choice to. 

Feeling JACKED

Today was a fantastic day. I'm not sure if it was because it was my "high" carb day or what but I was feeling super great today. I killed my AM cardio and decided to do 45 minutes. Then I got my lashes done, see I may lift heavy and sweat like a man but sometimes I like to fall back into my feminine role (; Anyway I had class today which basically I sat there and blogged the whole time. I have an assignment due in that class next Tuesday and should probably get it done when I'm feeling functional. Then it was time to hit some shoulders and of course do some cardio. I love shoulders, I used to be really self-conscious about my arms (I would be in a sweatshirt everywhere, no matter what) then once I started losing the fat around the muscle and getting definition, I feel a lot better about them and I love having these boulders. Being a strong woman is definitely fulfilling, especially when you can show it. My shoulder workout went well and I was feeling really strong. I worked out at the school campus gym just because it's brand new and I wanted to check it out, plus it never hurts to change up the atmosphere of the gym. Sometimes it gets exhausting seeing the same people day in and day out. I needed a break from golds and independence. This new gym is fantastic, everything is brand new. I definitely obtained the award for queen meat head tonight. Now I just had my last meal of egg whites with mushrooms and onions & I'm off to bed. I'll be up at 6 AM to start my day.

2011 --> 2013 Progress Picture & background

This was written July 9th 2013:

All my transformation pictures have been from the previous 6-8 months. Here's a picture of me at my heaviest. I was pushing 190 & I'm only 5'6. All bad. This is hard & embarrassing for me to post & share. This was @ the end of 2011. I was not a happy person during this time & spent most of my week drinking & binge eating & not taking care of my body, clearly. I carry most of my weight on my upper body & had constant back pain, no wonder. I now have ZERO back pain. Moving to Arizona to go to ASU was the best decision of my life. I lived in the dorm for a year which wasn't great on my body either but I was in the gym a couple days a week. Then my uncle whom I'm extremely close with got diagnosed with a rare & deadly cancer & I just lost it. I was all alone out here in AZ & went back to the alcohol & food. A friend of mine I met through school asked me if I wanted to start lifting at independence gym & ever since getting a membership there my life has changed. I started taking everything inside me out in the gym. I started losing weight minimally & it wasn't until I started with my coach/trainer now that I've seen such results. Everyone is different & for me I have to be 150% with my diet & exercise. Consistency & patience is key. I was in a dark place for a very long time & now I can finally say that I'm the happiest I have ever been with life; not only physically but mentally & emotionally too. I have learned so much through this journey & I plan on never looking back & letting myself get to an overwhelming amount of weight again. I used to look at other fit girls & think why not me? Why can't I look like that ? I wished I could look like them. Well now I don't want to look like someone else, I want to look like the best version of me. I don't think my coach really realizes that she's changed my life & i am forever grateful for her support & the continued support from my true #fitfam. I'm far from where I want to be but I'm getting better & closer everyday & most importantly I'm getting further & further away from what I used to be. Not sure if anyone will actually read all this junk & that's okay. I'm glad I wrote this all out anyway so I can remind myself of what I've been through & the struggles I've had with my body. I'd like to thank all the people who have stuck by my side & have encouraged me to continue down this path, y'all know who you are. & to the haters & people who continued to put me down for not being the "old me" I see you for what you truly are & I want nothing to do with you. I the real people & I can you fake fucks. But thank you haters for telling me that I could never look better, you truly have made me a beast.

Compilation of progress pictures

32 Week change

Week 13 posing --> Week 12

Suit Consultation 

Week 10 posing

Week 12 --> Week 10

6 week back difference

Week 8 posing

Working on my lat spread

Week 13 ---> Week 8

Week 13 ---> Week 8

Obliques & triceps

Pull ups 

MY SUIT

10-8-13 ABS