A look in the mirror

     I’ve been contemplating on whether or not I should even write about how I’m feeling inside, yet alone post anything for anyone to see. I have been hiding from my laptop in fear of what I will end up writing because I feel like my mind is warped. However, the way that I deal with my emotions is probably not the best way and I’m actually hurting myself by keeping everything bottled up inside. But, this is how I’ve always dealt with my stress and other issues. I’m truly frightened and nervous for this post but I’ve already started going at it so here goes nothing…

     I don’t even know where to begin. It has been about a month since my show and it has been the hardest couple of weeks on my mind. Emotionally I’m a mess inside. My thoughts are not healthy and they are exhausting to keep up with. I look back on pictures from my show and then I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. It’s crazy how this weight loss journey has changed me so much. I used to look forward to every day waking up and looking at myself to see my progress. Now when I wake up I dread looking into the mirror in fear that I’ll be standing there 180 pounds of unhappiness. Crazy right? I know I sound crazy but whatever. I keep trying to play my past in my head and put it into perspective so that I can better understand why I’m feeling the way that I am, and maybe whomever is reading this can understand a little bit better of why I feel the way that I do. So I’ve been thinking about it. From as far back as I can remember I’ve always hated my body; I have always been noted as the “bigger” girl; not necessarily the fat girl but just the girl that is generally bigger than everyone else. So let’s say that these feelings have been happening since I was 12 and I am now 22. That’s ten years of negative thoughts about my body resonating in my mind. That can’t be good and it cannot be that easy to get out of that mind-set that I still remain that big girl. Sure you can blame society for telling us young girls growing up what your body is supposed to look like, but I blame myself. I wish that I could be the type of person that isn’t hard on themselves. I wish I could look at myself and accept myself for my flaws. But, we grow up in a world where our imperfections determine what type of person we are, which is fucked up because obviously it shouldn’t be that way and there are many people in my life that do not feel that way. I’m mad at myself for even thinking half the shit that I do about myself. It’s really fucked up. But I can’t get these negative thoughts and emotions out of my mind. They circle around and they never stop. The other week I smiled at myself in my mirror and started crying and didn’t stop for forty five minutes. What the actual fuck. Who does that? I literally saw that 180 pound girl who was so fucking unhappy with herself. I wonder if I see something different that everyone else can see. I’m sure they do. I’m sure many people look at me and if I told them how I felt I looked they would want to slap me across the face. Maybe I need to be slapped. As I’m sitting here writing this I almost want to stop. This is silly, and I feel stupid for my thoughts. I don’t know why I beat myself up so got damn much. But, it’s exhausting. I’m fucking exhausted. My mind is fucking exhausted. I can’t do this to myself anymore. This is sick, it is unhealthy for me to feel the way that I do, and to think the way that I do. I don’t know when it’s going to stop. What is really fucked up is sometimes I’ll look at myself then I’ll feel like I’m fine. I’ll remind myself that I look and feel fine. Maybe I do this to try to convince myself that I shouldn’t be feeling like that 180 pound girl. I’m entirely too hard on myself and I know this. I’m fully aware that I am too hard on myself and do not give myself enough credit. What I did to get to where I am today took everything out of me. I should be ecstatic that I accomplished what I set out to do. I’m so back and forth with my thoughts it’s ridiculous. I wish I could just decide and feel more in control with my mind and body. Am I happy with the mirror or am I not? I can’t figure it out. Some days are better than others and maybe that’s what I have to deal with for now until I figure out my shit. There is no reason for me to hate my life; I have everything I could ever want and more. I’m in a relationship with a man who loves me for ME, not for my fucking body. I feel like I’m getting somewhere with this writing. I’m always one to figure it out for myself and I plan on doing just that with this warped mind that I have developed for myself. Maybe I keep everything inside and don’t share much because I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I don’t like the thought of that. I’m in control of my mind and thoughts so don’t feel sorry for me if I’m feeling negative, when I shouldn’t be. I probably don’t share much of how I’m feeling because I’m embarrassed of how I feel about myself. Maybe ten years of walking around with a fucked up self-image is going to take longer to get out of my system than expected. I feel like I’m back at square one. Sometimes I’ll look at my oldest pictures and feel like that’s how I look. Well shit, I must not look like that because I don’t even weigh 180 pounds anymore. I want to wrap this up and conclude this because I’m done, I don’t want to feel negative anymore and now I feel bad for even putting these thoughts down and out of my mind.  I’m uncomfortable in my own skin, and I hate that I do this to myself. Maybe I can’t figure out my mind on my own, maybe I should share my thoughts more about how I feel. I swear I feel like I’m fighting demons inside my head that repetitively tell me how fucking fat I am and that I’m worthless. This is fucking stupid and I hate myself for letting these thoughts get to my head.

Thought to self: THIS IS STUPID CUZ IT’S JUST YOUR FUCKING BODY KATE, YOUR BODY DOES NOT DEFINE WHO YOU ARE ON THE INSIDE, GET THAT THROUGH YOUR CRAZY LITTLE PSYCHOTIC MIND AND STOP WITH THE NEGATIVITY BULLSHIT.