A look in the mirror

     I’ve been contemplating on whether or not I should even write about how I’m feeling inside, yet alone post anything for anyone to see. I have been hiding from my laptop in fear of what I will end up writing because I feel like my mind is warped. However, the way that I deal with my emotions is probably not the best way and I’m actually hurting myself by keeping everything bottled up inside. But, this is how I’ve always dealt with my stress and other issues. I’m truly frightened and nervous for this post but I’ve already started going at it so here goes nothing…

     I don’t even know where to begin. It has been about a month since my show and it has been the hardest couple of weeks on my mind. Emotionally I’m a mess inside. My thoughts are not healthy and they are exhausting to keep up with. I look back on pictures from my show and then I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. It’s crazy how this weight loss journey has changed me so much. I used to look forward to every day waking up and looking at myself to see my progress. Now when I wake up I dread looking into the mirror in fear that I’ll be standing there 180 pounds of unhappiness. Crazy right? I know I sound crazy but whatever. I keep trying to play my past in my head and put it into perspective so that I can better understand why I’m feeling the way that I am, and maybe whomever is reading this can understand a little bit better of why I feel the way that I do. So I’ve been thinking about it. From as far back as I can remember I’ve always hated my body; I have always been noted as the “bigger” girl; not necessarily the fat girl but just the girl that is generally bigger than everyone else. So let’s say that these feelings have been happening since I was 12 and I am now 22. That’s ten years of negative thoughts about my body resonating in my mind. That can’t be good and it cannot be that easy to get out of that mind-set that I still remain that big girl. Sure you can blame society for telling us young girls growing up what your body is supposed to look like, but I blame myself. I wish that I could be the type of person that isn’t hard on themselves. I wish I could look at myself and accept myself for my flaws. But, we grow up in a world where our imperfections determine what type of person we are, which is fucked up because obviously it shouldn’t be that way and there are many people in my life that do not feel that way. I’m mad at myself for even thinking half the shit that I do about myself. It’s really fucked up. But I can’t get these negative thoughts and emotions out of my mind. They circle around and they never stop. The other week I smiled at myself in my mirror and started crying and didn’t stop for forty five minutes. What the actual fuck. Who does that? I literally saw that 180 pound girl who was so fucking unhappy with herself. I wonder if I see something different that everyone else can see. I’m sure they do. I’m sure many people look at me and if I told them how I felt I looked they would want to slap me across the face. Maybe I need to be slapped. As I’m sitting here writing this I almost want to stop. This is silly, and I feel stupid for my thoughts. I don’t know why I beat myself up so got damn much. But, it’s exhausting. I’m fucking exhausted. My mind is fucking exhausted. I can’t do this to myself anymore. This is sick, it is unhealthy for me to feel the way that I do, and to think the way that I do. I don’t know when it’s going to stop. What is really fucked up is sometimes I’ll look at myself then I’ll feel like I’m fine. I’ll remind myself that I look and feel fine. Maybe I do this to try to convince myself that I shouldn’t be feeling like that 180 pound girl. I’m entirely too hard on myself and I know this. I’m fully aware that I am too hard on myself and do not give myself enough credit. What I did to get to where I am today took everything out of me. I should be ecstatic that I accomplished what I set out to do. I’m so back and forth with my thoughts it’s ridiculous. I wish I could just decide and feel more in control with my mind and body. Am I happy with the mirror or am I not? I can’t figure it out. Some days are better than others and maybe that’s what I have to deal with for now until I figure out my shit. There is no reason for me to hate my life; I have everything I could ever want and more. I’m in a relationship with a man who loves me for ME, not for my fucking body. I feel like I’m getting somewhere with this writing. I’m always one to figure it out for myself and I plan on doing just that with this warped mind that I have developed for myself. Maybe I keep everything inside and don’t share much because I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I don’t like the thought of that. I’m in control of my mind and thoughts so don’t feel sorry for me if I’m feeling negative, when I shouldn’t be. I probably don’t share much of how I’m feeling because I’m embarrassed of how I feel about myself. Maybe ten years of walking around with a fucked up self-image is going to take longer to get out of my system than expected. I feel like I’m back at square one. Sometimes I’ll look at my oldest pictures and feel like that’s how I look. Well shit, I must not look like that because I don’t even weigh 180 pounds anymore. I want to wrap this up and conclude this because I’m done, I don’t want to feel negative anymore and now I feel bad for even putting these thoughts down and out of my mind.  I’m uncomfortable in my own skin, and I hate that I do this to myself. Maybe I can’t figure out my mind on my own, maybe I should share my thoughts more about how I feel. I swear I feel like I’m fighting demons inside my head that repetitively tell me how fucking fat I am and that I’m worthless. This is fucking stupid and I hate myself for letting these thoughts get to my head.

Thought to self: THIS IS STUPID CUZ IT’S JUST YOUR FUCKING BODY KATE, YOUR BODY DOES NOT DEFINE WHO YOU ARE ON THE INSIDE, GET THAT THROUGH YOUR CRAZY LITTLE PSYCHOTIC MIND AND STOP WITH THE NEGATIVITY BULLSHIT. 

Pictures from the show

Full 12 week comparison shots

Last days leading up to the show

The last couple days that led up to the show were definitely the hardest to get through. These were the days where my body was weak, my mind was slow and I was out of my element. There were so many mixed emotions and feelings leading up to the show that it made me second guess myself. I can honestly say that I was not myself at all the last three days before the show and now that I'm looking back I think that that's why I was so freaked out and scared. I was scared that I was changing into something that I did not want to be. I realize now that that is not the case at all. I was depleted and my body and mind were not working together as one and I started to lose myself in the process. I basically was a zombie until I got to go on stage and compete. The last few days before the show is when the competitors pull our water weight. So basically we don't take in any water, I'm not sure if this is what messed up my mind and turned me into a zombie but I'm pretty sure that it is. When I was backstage Friday night I was psyching myself out and making myself more nervous than I ever should have been. But, like I've said before I think it is one of my coping mechanisms in how I deal with stress. I'm not sure why I make myself feel MORE stressed to cope but whatever works, works. After being filled with water and a bunch of sugars and carbs I feel a lot more normal and back to my usual positive upbeat self. It is amazing how food affects your brain, mood and just everything. 

11 DAYS LEFT

Alright I'm getting super excited and pumped for these last 11 days. I have to give this everything I've got. My diet is changing but that is OKAY. I want this so bad. I can't believe how far I have already made it. I have been working for this moment since April. This is much bigger than any placement. This is about my progress and lifestyle change. I could care-less if I place or not. All I care about is that I MADE IT. That I did everything in my power to not miss any cardio, workouts, meals or sleep. I have followed everything to a T and I know it's going to pay off. I have some big plans this week to keep my mind and self busy. First off I get my hair done Friday the 8th. YIPPEE. Also I have my first photo shoot with other girls from my team on Sunday which I'm super excited for as well. Sunday the 10th also happens to be my birthday, what better way to celebrate my birthday in front of a camera? HA! So excited. This has seriously been the best experience of my life and I'm so excited to keep eating clean, of course after I have a little bit of fun. I'ts alright to indulge from time to time but best believe I will still be in the gym getting some workouts done. It's so crazy how much your life can change, if you just put forth the effort. Change is possible, scary, but very possible. 

IT'S ALL OVER!

My first NPC figure show happened this weekend Nov 15-16th ! I got top 5 and placed 3rd in my class which was figure class D. I cannot even believe it. It hasn't really hit me yet. The past weekend has been insane, full of the best memories of my life. I look back at some of my competition pictures and can't believe that I actually did it, I did it 100. I followed through with what I said that I would do in April, it's about to make me cry. The feelings I have are overwhelming. This whole experience has been overwhelming. I had something to prove to myself and I did just that. Now it's time to prove to myself that I can do much more. I have proven that I really can do anything that I set my mind to. I have so much running through my mind now it's insane. I literally cannot stop myself from thinking about a million different things at once. But, the only thing that is now on my mind is making sure that I follow through with every thing that I have planned. My priorities are starting to shift and right now I'm graduating with my BS in Criminology and Criminal Justice at ASU. Although fitness is a huge part of my life, as it will stay, I have to shift my focus back to my studies to get through the remainder of the semester. Sometimes I freak myself out and get myself stressed and anxious for no reason. I hate how I operate like that sometimes but I guess I might work better under pressure. There are so many different blog topics that I need to get started on I'm going to write the different topics out and hopefully get to at least one or two of them this week. I have to organize everything or it's just going to get too chaotic. My mind is still spinning around like crazy! This weekend by far was the best weekend of my life, even with all the stress, there is nothing that I would have changed about this weekend and I'm so happy that I made this decision to change, because it changed who I am, but I go to sleep happy and wake up happy. In the end, my own happiness is the most important thing to me. It feels good to finally be happy with myself and truly love myself. 

Little thoughts about haters

Ah haters are great. People who think they are so entitled to their opinion. A woman in the judge locker room the other day was trying to “mind-fuck” me I swear. She was telling me how the judges last show picked a girl for the overall place who was more thick. She was basically saying I’m too lean. I had to of said at least three to five times to her, “that’s none of my concern”. Then it made me really start to think. This is MY body, therefore I make the rules. I’m not doing this for anybody else but me. I have something to prove to myself, not a judge. The judges can think whatever they want about my physique but if I stand up there, knowing I gave this process 150% and my all then guess what? I’m more than happy. Of course it would be awesome to place, but that’s not the point of this process. The point is that I set a goal, I did what I needed to do 100%, I never gave up and that’s that. I hate people who pick and poke at someone else’s body. For example, people will look at DLB and because she has no chest besides MUSCLE which is uh AWESOME, they want to say “oh she looks like a man” are you kidding me? It’s bad enough as it is that we already feel less feminine not having breasts anymore, but that doesn’t make me any less of a woman. I know that my shoulders and arms are big and now I want them to be even bigger. I want to embrace my body for what it is. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and for once in my life I finally feel that way. I can’t stand negativity and I won’t allow it into my life and let it affect how I feel about myself. I love my body, I really do, and I also love pushing and working towards progressing it into something unimaginable. A lot of people look at my physique now and don’t understand why I look so lean. Again, that’s none of my concern. I look lean because my body is being depleted. The day of the show I “fill-up” so that my muscles look fuller on stage. A lot of people don’t understand this process which is why I remind myself that every day and don’t mind the comments like “oh you’re too skinny, you’re face is so skinny, you’re so tiny blah blah blah” Yeah it gets annoying but I simply ignore it because they do not understand what I’m going through and it’s not their place to and I shouldn’t expect for every single person to look at me and think, “oh she must be training for a figure show”. I’m sure when I start gaining muscle I’ll receive the comments like “you’re so big now, you’re gaining weight…” But whatever, this is a lifestyle change and I keep myself surrounded by the people who bring me up most, and the people who understand what it is that I’m doing.